PROCESS

MARITAL MEDIATION PROCESS

What do I want?

This beginning is the most difficult part of mediation for many people. If you do not ask and answer this question, the process has no foundation and the mediation fails. You can not negotiate for something when you don't know what you're asking for.

Tell the other person what you want.

Check with the other person to be sure s/he listened, heard and understands what you want.
having her/him repeat what you want, to your satisfaction, may be useful for both of you.

The other person tells you what s/he wants.

The other person checks with you to be sure that you listen, heard and understand what s/he wants.

Conflicts

Often, there is no conflict between what you want and what the other person wants.
However, if what you want conflicts with what the other person wants:

Ask yourself how important this issue is to you.

Tell the other person.

Of the issue is not a big problem for one of you, s/he should say so.

The other person should check to make sure that you are being fair to yourself.

If the issue is not a big problem for either of you, you each need to address the question of who gets what, always making sure that you are still being fair to yourself.

If the issue is a big problem for both of you, it is a problem. You both need to separate yourselves from the problem and acknowledge that it exists.

Explore the alternatives. Reframe the question so it becomes less of a win/lose situation.
Brainstorm. each of you suggest ideas with the understanding that no idea is crazy, and you are each free from criticism by the other.

All alternatives should be subject to the first three negotiation steps, listed above.

If non of these approaches are helping to address the problem, consider the following questions:

What are we arguing about?

What are you concerns?

Why?

Wy do you want ...?

Can you think of anything I can do that might be helpful for you?

Remember that conflicts arise most often because of FEAR, usually of a loss of some kind. Be sure to identify and address fears as soon as possible during negotiations.